If anybody reads this

I posted this to my livejournal, but if theres anybody at all that reads this here

Alright so today i went to visit my grandpas grave with my mom and grandma because its his birthday. I was crying some, didnt let my mom or grandma see it though haha. my grandma was talking about what he would be doing if he was alive and how old he wouldve been and i just started thinking about how much i wish he wouldve been here to see me get my license and graduate and go to prom and all of that, it got to me. Then i thought about my mom and how i dont know what i would do if she was gone, she has taught me so much and still buys and pays for most of what i get and gets me most everything i ask for, i'd probably be a bum. i love her.

this is a little exert from something i was reading earlier and it kind of goes along with how i want to feel towards death: 

"Almost every day since these events I would remember Ben one way or another during my daily routines, whether it be pouring a dash of water on a certain plant after the gym work out or something else, I thought of his life. In late November being home in the places where I lived and experienced Ben the most, I got fucked up cause I started thinking about death, and ben's death. I had to get the fuck out for a little bit. After working at the bicycle shop with Ben, we would sometimes go up to mt. Tam and ride bikes and just hike around to unwind from a long day at work. What a perfect way to get away, go on a hike alone. In the middle of the wild. 


I'm not gonna talk about the rigorous hiking I endured really, just the mental experience that I accomplished with myself. The first word that I said when I was alone hiking on the trail came out kind of premature and unsure. By the time I was a few hours in, I was stomping thru the trails and screaming merauder and judge lyrics at the top of my lungs. It took me that long to realize that my journey wasn't about the death of my friend. It was not the rememberance of things and people lost. My life is a celebration of life. My hiking trip and my everyday life is a celebration of my friend Ben and what I've become because of him.



.....Please take this advice: if your not gonna take the risk, how are you gonna know what your made of? If your not gonna take a risk in your life, how are you gonna know what it felt like to do something unique. Life experience is where I'm at. You won't forget it."

Where did the time go?

Vacation, what a blast. It had to be only 4 days. In all my years of vacationing it never has been that fun minus a few minor problems that were fucking rediculous. I guess there will be pictures to put up from it but those will be in another entry. I just got the most like melancholy/depressing feeling thinking about high school and how much i missed out on by being a douche bag. I regret things in my life and i'm not afraid to admit that because i know most people are like "nah i dont regret anything blah blah blah" i know i missed out on some awesome things that i didnt do right: never trying hard enough, prom, grad week, getting a steady job, neglecting the people that were right there in front of me, and various other things that are too harsh for public reading that are possibly the worst of all. Hearing all of my friends that just graduated talk about moving off to college this fall is just what the fuck ya know, im not sure; its depressing i want to be at college and out of here.

On a lighter note i ate some awesome food at the beach. for starters the first thing i had when i got to the beach was pizza from a place called babakas, it was good pizza. i ate at fuddruckers for the first time my god what an awesome place. i had the ribeye mushroom and swiss burger. i cant get enough mushrooms i eat them on everything. we had breakfast at a national house of pancakes (nhop), i had a ham and swiss on rye i dont think ive ever eaten rye bread but it was something new and it wasnt bad. the last night we were there clayton wanted to go eat at a place called damons which was expensive but a seaside dining type place that had 4 things on the seafood part of the menu. service sucked, they never brought out rolls like i kept asking for. you cant go somewhere that has rolls and not get any even after you ask for them fuck im a roll person i like trying out rolls. the good part is that the dinner i got was bbq in a like toasted hoagie looking type bread with cheese on top. my god good and then i got bacon and cheddar fries.

besides seeing two drunk people make out and having to be a taxi and having to worry about getting kicked out of the room, for the most part i got to do all i wanted while at the beach, went to the beach a lot. waves sucked i thought. saw friends, walked a lot. yelled at so many people (not in the stereotypical fashion.)

I wish this thing was more Interacting

(picture courtesy of my chair, thank god for timers)

This is my t-shirt segment, figured it would spice things up and make this blog a little more interesting since no one reads and this might attract. Alright i got this shirt last weekend at a show with worldbreaker, deathblow and torch_runner. Out of every single shirt I own this is my new favorite, most comfortable. Printed on jerzee heavy cotton. size medium. Worldbreaker did an awesome cover of Burning fight by inside out. The shirt was made by the drummer of worldbreaker. knowledge is what she designs her stuff under. its a sort of designer type thing, themes and shit. not sure. shes made some awesome fliers. here check her out.

http://www.myspace.com/knowledgexart
http://www.myspace.com/knowledgexart
http://www.myspace.com/worldbreakernc

The only thing i can say that has been on my mind lately is, xbox, money, grad week, sleep, finding out a way to be more active.

i have the most insane craving for taco bell...if anyone reads this or whatever and you dont know me then that is a absurd thing to say considering i dont like taco bell. The reason I want some so bad is because this past weekend Kristin let me taste some of this "beefy cheese and rice?" burrito, needless to say i loved it because i doesnt have any onions or beans or shit like that. I dont really like the seasoning the put in the meat either(never have). but the summary is that i found something i like at taco bell other than a taquito and a cheese roll.

Currently im selling cds/records and other shit on ebay to save up for grad week I am not sure yet how its going to turn out I sold one item and that was six bucks so hopefully the rest of my shit gets high bids and bought. Odd jobs is also what im looking for to add to my increasing beach savings fun.

I havent actually felt like this in a While

I feel like a teen again, rather than the skeleton ive been feeling like for a long time. maybe im just getting out there. thats it. i like this girl, i havent had a girl that i've been this interested in but im not sure all of the sudden why its like this because ive been hanging out with her for a while. but none the less i feel torn because i feel like i dont even have a chance and shes already made her mind up to not like me and shit like that but maybe im just ahead of myself but fuck i mean what can i expect from myself im shitty when it comes to girls anyways. ive been flirting kind of or trying to hint ya know, and i dont usually do that for just any girl. idk maybe im just being a total douche bag or something. i feel something though and thatt is rare

What an Awesome Weekend

Best weekend..or one of the best weekends of the month. Friday it started off by hanging out at hunters for a long time and getting pizza and then off to kyles to watch cloverfield and go to Sally's bridge for some scares. Its supposed to be a haunted bridge and has some back stories and what not that can be found on google just look up sallys bridge in north carolina or something.

After hyping it up so much and waiting on shawn(while watching the trailer for the strangers*) to get off work we headed over to the bridge. Kyle shined the flash light down in the woods and there was this cat hanging out around the bridge i took one look down the bridge and ran back to the car with shawn while martin hunter kyle and clayton shortly followed. The creepiest part of the night was watching the strangers trailer over and over and over again, which manifested a fear that would last through out the night.

Saturday after our plans of going to A show in matthews got foiled(aluminum) we were in dismay as to what we should do for the rest of the day but we ended up doing the ol' ihop with like 18 people (seriously) and then sitting in the parking lot for like an hour and a half thinking of other things to do. What we ended up with was nothing short of the same idea as friday and went to the bridge again and this time we walked across it without even thinking about it.

My mood has been pretty not so pissed off as of late and since my mom is going to Mississippi this weekend i'll have the house to myself to relax and idk not be annoyed by sisters.

what im in love with?:

The Office
1.00 packs of out dated beef jerky that taste normal
M14 with an Acog scope.
Strombolis from Villa Pizza
Perspective 7"

Ever Expansion

I've been having the weirdest dreams...the worst thoughts...and among other things every thing that annoys me seems to have gone away and now its just me and myself, for some reason i just annoy myself now. i'm now sure whats wrong with me. ive been forgetting a lot lately..a lot more than usual. I sit and think and as every day passes by i get a little worse and it feels like its getting bigger and bigger. The hunger in my stomach gets worse for some reason i dont eat a lot anymore and it seems like all they make is spaghetti. oh well. things well be different soon..

4-14-08

I remembered the password to this on a whim and lucked up. Alright first thing to post in this is where is my case of cds at?
itd be nice to find those again so i dont burn up the one cd that wasn't inside of it.

Second thing to post is I need some viewers of this blog or do i? nah i guess this will be my journal.

A few updates since my last post, so close to having a job I can taste the money I will be making. A few options at the moment which are 1. sporting goods section at wal-mart (awesome i know but fuck it) 2. working at some place loading boxes (would rather do that but i wont get the job until may doesnt cut it). The things I will buy with the money I make are endless.

The past couple days I have been in such a weird mood. In a bad way.

I'd like to be able to sit down and watch some baseball but never gonna happen I dont really watch tv that much so I never get reminded.


Also I will not find another girl as long as Im breathing. Im not sure if its God that is keeping me from companionship or im just a total chick deflector