I posted this to my livejournal, but if theres anybody at all that reads this here
Alright so today i went to visit my grandpas grave with my mom and grandma because its his birthday. I was crying some, didnt let my mom or grandma see it though haha. my grandma was talking about what he would be doing if he was alive and how old he wouldve been and i just started thinking about how much i wish he wouldve been here to see me get my license and graduate and go to prom and all of that, it got to me. Then i thought about my mom and how i dont know what i would do if she was gone, she has taught me so much and still buys and pays for most of what i get and gets me most everything i ask for, i'd probably be a bum. i love her.
this is a little exert from something i was reading earlier and it kind of goes along with how i want to feel towards death:
"Almost every day since these events I would remember Ben one way or another during my daily routines, whether it be pouring a dash of water on a certain plant after the gym work out or something else, I thought of his life. In late November being home in the places where I lived and experienced Ben the most, I got fucked up cause I started thinking about death, and ben's death. I had to get the fuck out for a little bit. After working at the bicycle shop with Ben, we would sometimes go up to mt. Tam and ride bikes and just hike around to unwind from a long day at work. What a perfect way to get away, go on a hike alone. In the middle of the wild.
I'm not gonna talk about the rigorous hiking I endured really, just the mental experience that I accomplished with myself. The first word that I said when I was alone hiking on the trail came out kind of premature and unsure. By the time I was a few hours in, I was stomping thru the trails and screaming merauder and judge lyrics at the top of my lungs. It took me that long to realize that my journey wasn't about the death of my friend. It was not the rememberance of things and people lost. My life is a celebration of life. My hiking trip and my everyday life is a celebration of my friend Ben and what I've become because of him.
.....Please take this advice: if your not gonna take the risk, how are you gonna know what your made of? If your not gonna take a risk in your life, how are you gonna know what it felt like to do something unique. Life experience is where I'm at. You won't forget it."
